Grace & The To – Do List

The last month has been crazy busy. I have returned from America, moved home, graduated, prepared to start a new job and move to the north, welcomed a new baby into the world and turned 21. That’s a lot for one girl to handle within 30 days, and I’d love to tell you that I haven’t been stressed or slightly irritable. But that is simply not true. I have struggled and have learnt new levels of God’s grace through His Word and the people around me. And for that, despite the business and the uncertainty, I am thankful.

You see, I am a doer. I love being busy, having my diary packed and organising my time well. I love productivity and the feeling at the end of a day when you know you have worked hard. For this reason, it surprised me that after completing the to do list for July, I still felt unsettled and without peace. I did everything. I flew home, I did the hat toss and I popped the prosecco when turning 21. I had been blessed as the birthday girl and the recent graduate. I should be content, right?

You can imagine my frustration at myself. Feelings of selfishness tried to crush my spirit (emphasis on the word tried). I saw every blessing as an obstacle to be overcome, or another event to add to an ever-overflowing schedule. I had done so much, but in doing, I had lost being. And that is where God showed up.

Last week, Brett’s older sister, Sandy, brought a beautiful baby girl into the world. Baby Grace has already provided so many with so much joy at just 1 week old and is so incredibly loved. As I sat with little Grace in my arms, I was amazed at how much I could love someone so much so quickly without really even knowing her. At 3 days old, she was so tiny that I could hold the length of her with my forearm. She didn’t do much, except make adorable squeaky noises and throw her arms up when she dreamt, but yet, she was beautiful, and her simply being was enough. Her parents looked at her with pure adoration and awe of how precious she was, and it made me consider two things. The first being that I am so excited to look at my own children that way one day in the future, and the second simply this. Is this perhaps the way God looks at us?

Grace, as mentioned, technically doesn’t do much yet. She doesn’t pack her calendar with events or back to back meetings. She doesn’t have a to do list or a million boxes that are yet to be unpacked from her latest move. She isn’t writing books nor is she preaching from a podium. Yet, she is still so loved. She is enough just to be.

I am sure that there was a party going on in Heaven when she entered the world, purely because she showed up (even if it was 10 days late). She doesn’t have to do anything to be loved, she just is. She has so much potential in her finger tips to change the world for God’s sake, but until this day comes, she is still His beloved. She is enough just by being still.

Perhaps I could learn something from her. Perhaps my discontent and lack of peace over the last month is rooted in the lack of stillness. Had I really taken time to experience God’s presence in the stillness, so that I could experience Him in the busyness? Did I really believe that I was enough just by being still?

This world tells you that who you are is made up of what you do. We believe lies that say we are worth less because our bank balance is lower. We strive for success to prove to others that we are worth something. We ask people what they’re doing after they graduate rather than seeking to understand the person that they are becoming. We become consumed with doing, that we forget that being is enough. But Jesus says the opposite. He teaches us that doing must come from a place of being; being forgiven, being known and being loved. In order to have life in all it’s fullness, we must first accept that the bar we try so hard to reach, for us, is simply unreachable. And that is why He took down the bar when He died for us to have freedom.

After meeting Grace, Brett turned to me and said ‘I loved just looking at her. I was praying over her and counting the number of hairs on her head when she slept.’ I believe that God looks at each one of us the same way, in awe of His children, knowing and seeing us for all that we are, good and bad, and loving us unconditionally.

Just as Grace did not need to do anything to be loved, neither do I, and neither do you. You are seen, loved and more than enough, just by showing up. Grace is a precious example and reminder of God’s saving grace, and I am thankful that even with the changes of life happening around me, the Prince of Peace reminds me that I am simply enough. It is because of Him that I can face the challenges ahead with a joyful heart, a peace that transcends all understanding, and an identity that cannot be shaken.

And there is no reason that He cannot do the same for you.

“And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable than a whole flock of sparrows.” – Luke 12:7

Blue Ridge Ponderings

After spending the past week waking up to the mountains outside my bedroom window, reading books by a flowing river and reaching the peak of the Blue Ridge Parkway, it’s hard not to be in awe of creation. The countless car journeys have left room for thinking and considering the beauty of the world we live in. As we drove down the mountain lined roads I can’t help but believe that this is not all a coincidence. Just as the line from ‘gravity’ by Jonathan & Melissa Helser suggests, “he’s orchestrating galaxies”, I believe that the Creator of the universe orchestrated the trees around me, the river flowing next to me, and the clouds surrounding me when I’m standing in the peaks. Their existence is not a mistake or simply a result of coincidence, but instead points, screams, to their artist. When I stare out onto the porch, I see a masterpiece. I see indescribable beauty that does not need an Instagram filter and cannot be boxed into a lens. I see a creation, a canvas in progress as the seasons change and life happens.

And I can’t help but think that perhaps this is the way God looks at me. I am ever-changing in response to seasons and the happenings of life, but like the skyscraper-trees, I am rooted. I am unshaken and have purpose that runs deeper than what can be seen by the human eye. I am unashamed to stand tall, yet adopt a quiet humility that points towards my Creator. And even on days where I feel far from all of these things, my identity remains rooted, because the only One who can change a rooted masterpiece is the One who created it.

Sometimes seeing the beauty around you is easier said than done. Sometimes we don’t wake up to mountains and we don’t read books by flowing rivers. Sometimes our surroundings are hectic at best, and our circumstances don’t deserve to be awed at, but my God is not the God of circumstances. He is the God of truth. The truth that is immovable and rooted by the promise that He will not leave us. He isn’t a God with a rule – book nor does he stay on His throne while we struggle here on Earth, but instead asks us to be rooted in Him, so that despite circumstances, despite uncertainties and despite very real pain, we can remain rooted. Just like the mountains and the rivers and the Blue Ridge Parkway, I am not a coincidence or a mistake, and neither are you. There is nothing coincidental about you, you don’t need a filter to be deemed beautiful, and your place in this world is crucial, wanted, in an ever-growing masterpiece. The attack against us cannot wash away the splashes of colour already painted onto our canvas, but instead will add to the ever developing masterpiece where God holds the paint brush. And with His grace, love and forgiveness, the artist continues His work to create a person He deems worthy of awe.

 

 

 

More than a job description.

This summer, after graduating from university, I will begin working for an incredible movement called Fusion. I will be living a life lead by faith and jumping head first into incredible opportunities to share Jesus with students all over the country. I am SO excited to embark on a new adventure, and am getting ready to be a part of a movement much bigger than myself.

Although I will have a job title, this role is more than just a job description or a steady income to fund my coffee-fuelled lifestyle. To be part of Fusion means to be joining in an ongoing legacy, teaming with a call to see lives changed in universities, and to play my part in bringing redemption. It is not your average 9-5 job, nor do I want it to be. It is a role that allows me to live life through the lens of eternity, daily choosing God’s will over my own.

It’s slightly crazy, hugely faith lead and a God-ordained call over my life. So allow me to tell you how I got to this place.

As every final year university student will understand, the road to graduation brings a breadth of questions. What do I want to go into after uni? Should I go traveling? Should I get more work experience? Should I get a 9-5 job and just save for a house? I asked myself all of these questions, with no idea of the answer. I am the type of person who loves a lot of things, and therefore narrowing down options proved challenging. The questions filled my mind, with the absence of answers. The stress began to become consuming, and considering the future was avoided at all costs. The stressing hit boiling point one night when, at a church in Sheffield, Brett and I laid all of our life plans, relationship plans, career goals and finance worries before the cross. We gave Jesus back our plans and purpose and allowed Him to write our stories again. Was it easy? No. Far from it. Was it freeing? More than I could ever explain. Giving plans to a God in the sky who is unreachable and unknowable is daunting, and something I would never want or choose to do. But to lay my life before a God who knows me, knows my passions and my fears, knows my future and knows my past, and still chooses me, suddenly the sacrifice wasn’t so scary.

I walked out of the church that evening with a smile on my face and a feeling of peace, truly knowing that whatever my future looked like, whatever number was on my pay-slip, or whatever happened with my relationship with Brett, that it was written by a Father in Heaven who always has the best intentions for me.

The following morning, I received an email from Fusion. They wanted to get to know me. The girl who just 12 hours prior was stressing about her future, and then giving everything to Jesus, they wanted to get to know me.

The process from that morning to accepting the position was covered in prayer and constant alignment to be within God’s will for my life. It was not easy and did not come without trial, but His peace and his purpose overruled any fear or worry of the future. I was free from anxiety, and free to step into His purpose for my life, and boy am I excited about that purpose.

 

A season of preparation

My favourite verse in the bible is “perhaps you were born for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14). Esther was a woman who showed courage, bravery and a willingness to walk in God’s purpose for her life in the time where it was needed. God chose her for an exact purpose, but before she rose to that purpose, she entered a time of preparation. For 12 months prior to the day she stepped up to the throne, she was being prepared to meet with the king. Similarly, I believe that God has been preparing me for 12 months. He has been increasing my faith in Him, increasing patience, increasing endurance, and increasing trust that He will provide.

It is no coincidence that I am going to be a part of the Fusion movement, yet this is not about me. This is about Jesus pursuing His people and wanting them to come home. This is about an outbreak of Hope in universities. This is about an army of believers rising up and saying “your will, not mine” over their lives. This is about trust, love, truth and freedom. This is something we can all be a part of.

I’m excited to be playing my role in redemption and I hope you are excited about playing your role too.

 

If would like to be a part of the Fusion movement by praying and hearing more about how you can get involved, please do drop me an email at viki.taylor@fusionmovement.org I’d love to hear from you.

Brett & I heading to Escape & Pray 2016! I went to Hamburg, and he went to Düsseldorf!

Writing out prophetic verses in German for young women in the city of Hamburg! Escape & Pray 2016!

Wonderful team on Escape & Pray 2016!

Stopping to take in creation on our prayer walk in Bergen, Norway, Escape & Pray 2015!

Prayer walking (and singing songs) in Norway, 2015!

Awesome Escape & Pray team with a fantastic student worker, Bergen, Norway 2015!

Student Linkup Team at Soul Survivor Week C 2016!

Deleting the wedding board.

There’s a secret that many girls won’t tell you. Some will keep this a secret; some will share with their closest friends only. Many boyfriends will be blissfully unaware of the depth of planning, whereas some will be told every little detail. Let me share with you this secret; most girls have a well-designed and well-thought out wedding Pinterest board.

I understand it’s not exactly shocking, and perhaps it comes as no surprise. But as we scroll through Pinterest before bed, we save endless photos of rings, centre pieces, bridesmaid dresses and signage. We see no problem in this as un-engaged young women, it purely serves our creative minds around gives us ideas for the future. But as we spot the perfect platinum princess-cut ring, expectation begins to rise within us, and a bar is raised which is sometimes unachievable.

Allow me to explain that I am not writing this to condemn my no doubt hundreds of female (and possibly male) Facebook friends who pin to these boards, nor am I suggesting a girl can’t dream. I am simply drawing on my own experience of allowing an innocent Pinterest search to become something much bigger. An attitude of discontentment with the present, and an expectation which leads to disappointment.

Last month I did something scandalous. I deleted my wedding Pinterest board. Why? Because I realised that the various images of dresses, venues and rings appearing on my timeline became the fruit of a deeper heart issue: the discontentment of where God had placed me. The focus was placed so much on the future, that I was missing my purpose for now. I allowed the enemy to have a stronghold, creating an idea that my purpose is fulfilled by my relationship status. Thankfully, Jesus reminded me of 2 things that I’d love to share with you.

Number 1. My identity is fully in him. God speaks over my life, and He calls me fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), clothed in strength and dignity (proverbs 31:25) and more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37). My identity does not come from my relationship with my boyfriend, my friendships, my family, my degree, my job or my role in the church. This means that when one of those things does not go according to my plan, I am still loved and accepted for who I am, by a God who created me to be me.

Number 2. I have purpose right now, where I am at. God will constantly be teaching me and growing my relationship with Him, but this doesn’t mean I don’t have a purpose and a calling over my life right now. It is easy to believe the lie that life fulfilment can come from a marriage, or a job, or owning your own house. How often do we think or speak the words “I’ll be happy when I have my dream job”, “I’ll be happy when I achieve my PhD” or “I’ll be happy when I find the one”. I will be the first to hold my hands up and confess that I have spoken many of those words. The reality is that life fulfilment comes only from Our Creator. God has spoken a purpose over my life as a single young woman, which is no more or less than my purpose in the future. For this reason, I do not need to focus on planning my life, but can instead be content with who I am made to be, the place I am in and what my calling is for this season of life.

For the girls who think they are too young, too inexperienced or simply not enough because they are single, let’s break that lie off. Let’s choose to believe the truth of a present purpose, and take a stance of contentment. When we learn that our identities do not come from a relationship, a career, a degree classification, or our family (the list goes on), we can pursue contentment in who God’s made us to be today, living out His plan for us right at this moment. We can joyfully let go of the Pinterest wedding board, let go of the strongholds, and actively step into who and what God has made us for.

So I encourage you, that thing you’ve had in the back of your mind that you just don’t feel good enough to do? Begin it.

That vision He’s given you for a movement? Start moving.

That gift He’s given you that you’ve kept to yourself? Let it shine.

My prayer this New Year is that you would be content in who you are, and step into your purpose, whatever that may be. You’re unique, loved, and have a Kingdom Purpose assigned by your Creator.

 

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12-13

When the motivation hits zero.

It’s December. The shops are filled with Christmas gifts, the urge to blast out Christmas music 24/7 is real and Christmas markets seem oh just so tempting. If you’re anything like me, the motivation to buy and wrap all Christmas gifts multiplies by 100, and the motivation to complete deadlines due before winter break reaches new lows. However, some things just have got to get done, so here are 5 (hopefully) helpful tips to get you through the studying whilst still enjoying the festivities of Christmas!

1) Plan

Get a cute planner and write down all the things you have planned around Christmas time, whether that be Christmas markets, Christmas dinner celebrations or shopping trips. Write down everything so you can clearly see how much time you do or don’t have. This way, you can use the times you aren’t busy to plan a study session, whilst still enjoying all the fun stuff that comes with Christmas, and this brings me onto my next point…

2) Don’t spend every second of the day studying

Yes I said it. Even as a third year, studying a degree, doing a placement and working a job, there are still hours in the day where my mind is not focused on being super productive. If you’re able to plan well, you will be able to have rest time too. Rest is SO important, and it looks different to each person. In winter months, I love wrapping up warm and sipping hot chocolates in a coffee shop whilst digging into God’s word and just spending one-on-one time with him. For others, rest may mean cycling to top of the Peak District, doing some bike trails and having prayer time (guess who I got that idea from). It doesn’t matter what you do to rest, just make sure you do it.

3) Time your study slots

For some reason my brain works in 45 minute slots. This means that for 45 minutes, my phone goes on airplane mode, headphones go in and a timer is started. After 45 minutes of study, I will reward myself with something (usually food or tea). And then I’ll start the timer all over again until my work is done. Working for hours on end without a break actually minimises your productivity and the quality of your work takes a hit. Also, studying different material in each slot really helps stop boredom and enables you to come back to your work with a fresh perspective later.

4) Get creative!

When I am feeling far from creative, one of my favourite things to do is search “study” on Pinterest and add photos to a study board. Seeing all the pretty colours and designs really motivates me to do the same, and actually makes doing work so much more enjoyable! I’m really into making colourful cue cards when planning essays at the moment, rather than writing an essay plan on A4 paper. Buy some cute stationary, use coloured pens, mix it up and you’ll be surprised at how you might actually start to enjoy some of your work!

5) Remembering that your grades don’t define you

One of the biggest de-motivators for me is stress. Stress that I don’t know the answer to a question. Stress that I won’t write the correct thing. Stress that I don’t have enough time. And with stress, comes procrastination… whether that be watching TV shows back to back (yes I’ve been there), going on nights out and blaming your lack of work on a hangover, or simply scrolling through social media for hours.

But when we spend less time stressing, and realise that our mark on a paper does not and will not define our character and our identity, suddenly the deadlines don’t seem so daunting. Your purpose on this planet is worth more than a grade, or even a whole degree class, and when we really know this, completing assignments can actually become enjoyable.

 

 

 

 

Top 7 study spaces in Portsmouth!

My final year of university has turned me into a little bit of a coffee shop tourist, and many have become the home of study sessions, accompanied by a lot of coffee and milkshakes. If you’re anything like me and hours in the library seem so unappealing, I’ve put together my top 6 coffee shops in Portsmouth that provide a great study space, along with lots of yummy (and hopefully cheap) treats.

 

7) Coffee Cup – Eastney

I practically lived in this place in my second year. This coffee shop is literally on the beach, so you can look out on the sea whilst you write up your notes. I found the ocean really motivating (not sure why?), therefore this place was a great option for me. The menu is AWESOME and not too expensive either, but it is a little bit far from the university if you don’t have a bike. It can get noisy at times, so be sure to plug in some headphones, and take a break by walking down to the water if the words on the page start merging into one. If you’re looking for a pretty study place with lots of life so you don’t get bored, this is the place for you.

Study essentials…
Free wifi?	Yes!
Cheap treats & good coffee?	✓✓
Distance from the main campus?	✓
Noise level?	✓
Place to take a break?	✓✓✓
Plug sockets?	✓✓

Favourite purchase?

 Lasagne for lunch! Yum!

My view from inside coffee cup on a wintery day!

 

6) Garage Lounge

Garage Lounge is a gorgeously decorated coffee shop, serving the most amazing milkshakes and food! It’s quite pricey, but is open late, so if you know you need to work on that essay and your bedroom just isn’t motivating you, it could be a really good option. The lighting is also quite dark so make sure you’ve had enough food, but if you thrive in a busy atmosphere and love yummy food, this place is great!

Study essentials…
Free wifi?	Yes!
Cheap treats & good coffee?	✓
Distance from the main campus?	✓✓
Noise level?	✓
Place to take a break from studying?	✓✓
Plug sockets?	Yes!

Favourite purchase? 

Chocolate milkshake, or mac & cheese!

 

5) All About Tea

This place is genuinely my favourite place to get tea in Portsmouth. There is a HUGE selection of different teas, and even if you’re more of a coffee lover, there are so many worth trying out. A pot of tea is super cheap, however they don’t sell lunch, so perhaps consider eating at home beforehand. It is so close to the university, and the staff and management team are so friendly (including their awesome dog, Bertie!) The atmosphere is super chilled, so if you are looking for somewhere to work on some notes between lectures, staying close to campus, this is your place.

 

Study essentials…
Free wifi?	Yes!
Cheap treats & good coffee?	✓✓
Distance from the main campus?	✓✓✓
Noise level?	✓✓✓
Place to take a break from studying?	✓
Plug sockets?	No L

 

Favourite purchase?

Chocolate brownies & vanilla tea!

Me and Bertie in All About Tea!

 

 

4) Canvas

Canvas is a newly expanded social enterprise coffee shop in Portsmouth and Southsea station. If you like a busier atmosphere and REALLY good coffee, then this is the place. With tables made of wood panels, and the décor being slightly rustic, this is a great place to get your hipster on and crack on with revision. The management are also fantastic at making you feel super welcome, and this place genuinely has the best coffee I have ever tasted. It is also super close to the main campus, so definitely worth checking out between classes.

Study essentials…
Free wifi?	Yes!
Cheap treats & good coffee?	✓✓✓
Distance from the main campus?	✓✓✓
Noise level?	✓✓
Place to take a break from studying?	✓
Plug sockets?	Yes!

 

Favourite purchase?

Simple vanilla latte

 

3) Café W

Café W is a new coffee shop that has just been expanded within Waterstones. I find being surrounded by books really motivating, even if they aren’t anything to do with my degree, so this is definitely a fantastic place to study. It is also sooooo cheap, which is always a huge bonus, and they sell really big mugs of tea which is just a study essential. The staff are super friendly, and although it’s busy, there is a really relaxed atmosphere that allows me to really get into my reading. The décor is also so pretty, and they sell beans on toast (childhood favourite), so they have won me over.

 

Study essentials…
Free wifi?	Yes!
Cheap treats & good coffee?	✓✓✓
Distance from the main campus?	✓✓✓
Noise level?	✓✓✓
Place to take a break from studying?	✓
Plug sockets?	Yes!

 

Favourite purchase?

Beans on toast with a cup of tea. Classic.

 

2) Baffled Coffee

I have recently discovered baffled and oh my how I love it. Not to mention are their vanilla lattes incredible, they are located right in the heart of many student houses. For me, this means that on days where I know I need to leave my bedroom to avoid procrastinating, I can walk down the road to an incredible study space and get on with work. They also do a fantastic student lunch deal featuring their signature hot dog which is definitely worth trying. Their minimalist décor and chilled atmosphere creates an excellent space to clear your mind of distractions and focus, and their staff are so accommodating! Although the ticks below look minimal, don’t be deceived, this place although not near main campus, provides an amazing place to study when you know your bed is calling you. Definitely recommend.

 

Study essentials…
Free wifi?	Yes!
Cheap treats & good coffee?	✓✓✓
Distance from the main campus?	✓✓
Noise level?	✓✓✓
Place to take a break from studying?	✓
Plug sockets?	Yes!

 

Favourite purchase?

Iced vanilla coffee with a chocolate brownie!

1) The Canteen!

Without a doubt my favourite coffee shop, if not favourite place in Portsmouth. I am so gutted that I only discovered this in my final year, because I would have spent 99% of my time here in previous years. This coffee shop is in the heart of beautiful Old Portsmouth, surrounded by pretty houses, cobbled streets, and of course the ocean. With an array of different seating areas, you can move around and choose a space that fits you. You could either sit in the cosy big chairs, on a table right next to a huge window overlooking the sparkling ocean, or you could sit outside on the decking- prepared to get a little sprayed by the sea! The ocean is a motivator, and I love nothing more than sitting out on the outside deck, reading and coming up with new ideas for essays. It is fairly close to the business school and definitely worth walking to. The wifi is temperamental, so I recommend pre-loading pages before arriving, or using books, but despite this, it is still my absolute favourite place to study.

 

Study essentials…
Free wifi?	Yes, but temperamental!
Cheap treats & good coffee?	✓✓✓
Distance from the main campus?	✓✓
Noise level?	✓✓✓
Place to take a break from studying?	✓✓✓
Plug sockets?	Not sure…

 

Favourite purchase?

Chocolate brownie or lemon drizzle!

A warrior, not a worrier.

Anxiety is consuming. It is physically exhausting even though the idea of leaving your bed seems somewhat impossible. It can be like an unexpected pop-up right in the middle of productivity, or it can be a constant fear of everything around you, and everything before you. It’s a real life attack.

At 15, I would lay in bed at night googling my symptoms of the constant headache I had been suffering with. I would see the words “brain tumour”, and instead of rationalising and seeing this is the very worst case scenario, my brain would go into panic mode, my heart beat would fluctuate and suddenly I felt sick. My body was preparing to fight… but I didn’t know what it needed to fight. It wasn’t rational, it didn’t make sense and it wasn’t true. But it was very real. And it was an attack.

At 16, I would sit in my favourite psychology class, immersed in the teaching, when a thought would pop into my head. The thought that if I didn’t get this symptom checked out, my health would plummet. All interest in class was lost, all the content I was taught left my head and I was back at stage 1, seeing all the worst case scenarios. It wasn’t logical and I didn’t understand why, but it was an attack.

At 17, the attacks got more frequent, and I sought help. I contacted my school’s counsellor, and she referred me to a counselling service for young people. It was something to hold onto, some hope that I might get better.

After two courses of CBT, one during school and one at university, I felt exhausted. As a psychology student, I fully believe that some therapies can have fantastic effects. I was taught both times to recognise when I was having rational and irrational thoughts, and to identify negative thought processes in order to prevent anxiety. On paper, I thought this would work fantastically for me. I like logic, I like rational, and I was willing to work, so this became my hope.

At 18, I walked home from the cinema with some of my friends from university, and I began to feel my heart fluctuating. I couldn’t put a reason on it, but I could feel my body going into panic mode- so I decided to rationalise, and identify negative thought processes. I got home that night, less panicked than before, but feeling guilty that I was still suffering. In my mind this whole “anxiety” thing would be solved by the time I started university. But no matter how hard I worked, it wouldn’t go away permanently. At times, the techniques I had learnt from CBT were very effective, but the problem was this became my hope. This became my one way of leaving anxiety behind me. So when I tried with everything I had to work with the techniques and rationalise, yet still failed, suddenly I felt hopeless. I felt worse than I did before I started therapy, because this time I was taught about what I was doing wrong. Thoughts like “I should know this” and “why haven’t I conquered this by now” raced around my mind. I felt at a low because I was relying completely on my own strength, and I failed me, again and again.

I had always been described as a “worrier” and I think I accepted this at the norm over my life. I would just always worry, because that’s what some people do, and that’s okay, right?

Wrong.

I so badly wanted to let go of the panic attacks and the late nights thinking about what could go wrong and the conversations where I was completely unengaged. I wanted to be free of it. I’d waited so long, I wanted a quick fix.

I’d love to tell you that’s what I got, but instead I got something better. Endurance. Perseverance. Faith. Freedom.

When I was struggling, the last thing I wanted to hear was “you’ll be able to use this to help others one day” or “your story is going to be a good testimony.” But that’s exactly what this is. A testimony.

After a year of being seen as “the one who always has energy”, I got honest with myself. And honest with God. I had been a Christian a year, and finally felt ready to let him into the darkest places. The places of sleepless nights or absent conversations. I had prayed throughout my second course of CBT, but never let him in to see what was really going on. I didn’t feel Him close, and I didn’t think He noticed me, but He knew, He was waiting, and He never left me. When I started to understand the root of my anxiety, that’s when healing finally happened.

I didn’t trust Him. I didn’t trust that He had a good plan for me. I didn’t know Him. I was so self-reliant on techniques, and rationalising and identifying negative thought processes on my own that I didn’t see the need for my Father to help me out. I learnt that I only had so much strength- enough strength to work through the techniques, but at the end of it, I was exhausted. I was not living life in all it’s fullness. I was not free of my diagnosis but instead just switching it off for a time period. But Jesus wants more for us to just be free for a time period. He is the One who gave freedom, and without Him, we are totally self-reliant.

In a culture where self-reliance is so encouraged, I realised that sometimes I mess up. Sometimes I can’t rationalise my thoughts, sometimes I can’t have energy all the time, and sometimes I can’t show grace to people by myself. And that’s okay. Because when we are weak, He has made us strong. He taught grace better than I could teach CBT, and gave grace when He died for us to live in fullness.

Today, I know that when an attack comes, He is my strength, and He is the one who pulls me through. Knowing Jesus doesn’t mean attacks won’t happen. It doesn’t mean we are exempt from problems and hardships, but it does mean that we have a hope and a strength, that won’t fail on us, won’t be exhausted with us and has no waiting list. He wasn’t interested in religion and rules, but instead intently pursued an honest and real relationship with me, to give freedom and life in fullness.

A diagnosis does not make up your identity. It does not have to be the author of your life, nor do the attacks need to steal your joy. Being a “worrier” does not reflect who you are. It does not reflect your passions, it does not reflect your heart and it does not reflect what God says about you. Any attack in the form of a mental illness, is just that, an attack. An attack that doesn’t need to be bowed down to. An attack that has no place in your life. An attack that was fought the day Jesus decided that your life was worth more than the attack against you.

Loving From Afar.

Roughly 2 years ago, when I entered into my first ever long distance relationship, I scrolled through a google search of articles, looking for advice, tips, testimonies, anything that made the time apart that tiny bit easier. They helped to prepare me for the reality that is a long distance relationship, and taught me that even when living miles apart, your relationship can still be full of joy, laughter and memories. That’s what I aim to do in this post- reassure you that LDRs are not impossible, and provide some practical tips to make the miles apart feel that bit shorter.

Brett and I never intended on starting a LDR. After denying that we liked each other for almost 10 months, we decided that a summer romance would be fun, and then would go our separate ways when starting our first year of university (granted, not the best of ideas). But when it came down to saying goodbye, we just couldn’t do it. And that’s when we made the decision to intentionally pursue a relationship with each other, whilst living 220(ish) miles apart.

I am thankful that our first goodbye was the hardest, mainly because we had no idea when we would next see each other- and that brings me onto tip number 1.

• Know when you’re next going to see each other.

You don’t necessarily need to know the exact date, but having an idea of how long until you next see each other makes the goodbye a little easier. It gives you something to look forward to, whilst enjoying where you are when apart from your boyfriend/girlfriend.

• Communication!

Learning new ways to communicate is one of the most challenging, but also rewarding parts of being in LDR. When on different schedules, it is easy to feel left out of each other’s lives purely because you aren’t always both available to talk at the same time, but establishing some communication techniques early on really help! It could be a good idea to organise when you’re going to skype/call in advance, so you’re not distracted by your phone or wondering when they’re next going to call. One of my favourite things is working out with Brett when we can talk early on in the day- this gives us both the chance to be fully present where we are, whether we are out with friends, studying or spending essential time with Jesus, and then later on we can be fully committed to our time together!

A side point on communication: when you aren’t both together in person, it is easier to hide the way you are feeling behind the computer screen. If something needs to be talked about, make effort to talk about it- bottling things up is so much easier in LDRs, but can stay bottled up and undealt with for a lot longer, leading to lots of damage- learning to be honest in an honouring way is essential, and totally doable!

• Don’t forget to have fun!

One of our favourite things to do when apart is facetime dates! Every couple of weeks we have a facetime date, where we set apart a period of time, to either talk, watch a movie together, have dinner together, have hot chocolates together… the list goes on! When you’re both doing the same thing, the distance feels a little less distancey… (is that a word? Nope.) Pick something you both love, set aside time and commit to hanging out! It really is so much fun!

• Make wise choices

It’s simple. Don’t start a more serious conversation at midnight when you’re both tired. Let your boyfriend/girlfriend know if you’re going out that night. Be considerate of their feelings when you make choices. Making a choice to honour your boyfriend/girlfriend is so important, and if they aren’t comfortable with something, honour that- you’re team mates after all! 🙂

• Learn how you can best love your boyfriend/girlfriend

Every person is unique, and every person feels and expresses love in different ways. This is a tip for all relationships, not necessarily long distance ones- but super crucial when you’re apart. One of the biggest tips I could give is learn your loved ones’ love language. There are 5 love languages (physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts), and although every person can feel all of them, generally we feel most loved by one of them over the others.

For example, my love language is different to Brett’s. For a while, we would express love the way we wanted to feel it, without considering if was the best way to make them feel loved. Brett didn’t realise that my love language was words of affirmation, so when he didn’t “affirm me with words”, I wouldn’t feel as loved. All we needed to do was learn that loving someone means choosing to serve them in the way that best fits their uniqueness as a Son or Daughter.

Why not ask them “how can I serve you right now?” “How can I be praying for you right now?” “What do you need from me right now?”

Sometimes serving each other looks like speaking life over each other, seeking Jesus together, or just simply having a laugh together! Other times the best way to serve each other could be giving them the space to seek Jesus alone, and being completely okay with that. If you ask them, you’ll know best what they need and be able to learn how to best love them.

True, sacrificial love is demonstrated by Jesus’ death and resurrection, and when we understand His sacrifice for us, we are able to demonstrate a true servant heart to our loved ones.

^“We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.” – 1 John 3:16

For more information on love languages, visit http://www.5lovelanguages.com/.

• Get involved!

Get to know each other’s friendship groups, where they hang out, what they like doing, when you do visit each other! The most challenging thing about long distance (for me) is not the distance, it is the different lifestyles that come with that. I love that not only has Brett included me in his friendship groups from university, but I have actually made my own friendships at his university too. Actively including each other in friendship groups makes the distance a lot easier and starts to build on life together as a couple.

LDRs are not always easy, but when you find someone who you can seek Jesus with, build up and pursue, the person is so worth it!

 

“This was never about you.”

It was 2 weeks ago today that I walked up to the sharp iron gates surrounded by security, feeling somewhat hopeless and wanting to pack this job in before I’d even started. My job search, up until 3 weeks ago had been unsuccessful due to me only wanting summer work, so I was ecstatic to find out I’d been offered a position working with international high school students in Brighton, a place I love. I have always loved working with children and young people so this job suited me brilliantly. I swiftly packed my suitcase, expectant that I would have fun and really impact the students while they were here, which seemed near enough impossible when I realised upon arriving in Brighton that the staff had no idea I was now an employee, let alone that I was staying residentially with them. A simple communication error meant I was in Brighton, lugging a 20kg suitcase around with no accommodation for the night. I was frustrated to stay the least. My idea of a fun and impacting 2 weeks was diminished by the fact my employers didn’t even know who I was. I was gutted. After some persistence on my part, I was offered a room for the night, and was promised food for the morning (that was part of my residential programme). I woke up the following morning, still feeling unsettled, to a knock on the door from security asking me to vacate the room. I packed my belongings, threw my hair in a messy bun (real messy, not the cute messy buns that take seem to take ages) and proceeded to exit the room. There was no promised breakfast and no promised induction. More frustration. I was summoned by the manager who then went on to explain how “lucky” I was that they didn’t throw me out the previous night onto the streets. I didn’t feel lucky. I wasn’t lucky. I was provided for with a room for the night by my Provider. She then went on to tell me that I was in fact directed to the wrong place, and explained where I needed to be. A mixture of relief that finally there was some direction, frustration for the mistake and exhaustion from lugging the giant suitcase full of clothes began to consume me. Upon arriving at the my actual destination, I began working almost immediately, feeling underprepared and uninformed about what on earth was going on. I was ready to give up. All these feelings allowed upset and anger to fill my mind, and caused me to almost hand in my notice before I’d even really begun. “I’ve had enough”, “it’s too unorganised”, “I’m not made for this”. All phrases I’m pretty sure I said to my mum and Brett on the phone that evening. In a ball of frustration I sat before God and asked Him why was I in this situation? Surely it wasn’t His will for me to be upset? Why couldn’t I have got an “easy” job nearer to home? Amongst the stress and the tiredness, He stopped me and answered, “this was never about you”. And it clicked.

I applied for many jobs local to my new house; some were successful but I couldn’t work due to going back to university, and some were unsuccessful. With the summer being the only time I get to spend a prolonged period of time with Brett, and the chance to have quality family time, I wanted to be close to home. But He had other ideas. I mentioned I’d always loved working with children and young people. I especially enjoyed last summer, because I worked at a similar camp and was able to help so many students not only learn English but help provide them with long lasting memories. They blessed me greatly, and I loved being a blessing to them. But this summer I became wrapped up in wanting to be closer to home. This is not in itself a bad thing; it is good that I wanted to honour my family by being closer to them, and to honour Brett by being nearer to him. But God has been revealing more and more His heart for me this summer, and I was beginning to see that perhaps His purpose for me was to serve before being served, even if that meant being away from home.

As Christians, we are called to make disciples of all the nations (Matthew 28:19), sharing His love wherever we go. Why is it that this seems so appealing when I get to share on the other side of the globe, preaching and praying for children in developing countries and travelling with only a backpack strapped to me, yet this is such a daunting prospect when closer to home? My job, approximately 55 miles away, provided a challenging environment to seek God daily and show His love. I was stressed and tired, and ready to give up. I felt useless to begin with, and spoke lies over myself that I was not good enough, or experienced enough to do this. But, this was never about me.

How did I expect to be a representation of Jesus in a community that had never heard of Him thousands of miles across the ocean if I couldn’t even survive 2 weeks 55 miles from my doorstep? I had asked the Father to prepare my heart, yet was not willing to work with Him. I had planted the roots, and wanted to see the fruit, without preserving to grow with Him. This was, and still is, my preparation season.

After seeking what His purpose for me was for the 2 weeks, my spirits lifted. His spirit lifted mine. I was able to ensure I spent regular time with Him even when there was no routine whilst working (anyone who knows me knows I love a routine for bible study). When my body was tired, He was my strength. When my heart was unforgiving, He gave me the capacity to forgive. When I was stressed, He was my peace.

I didn’t minister to crowds of people who had never heard the name Jesus. I didn’t fly 5000 miles to get to my mission field. One day, God may call me to fly across the ocean, but for this summer, He called the nations to the UK at a university campus in Brighton. For 2 weeks, this was my mission field. His purpose for me was to speak truth over young people when they believed lies, encourage people in their faith and bring a joyful spirit reflecting the Father’s love for everyone on that campus.

My role as a Christian is not to become so wrapped up in working out what the Father wants me to do or where he wants me to be, or to try and take control of His purpose for me before His timing, but to be a representation of Jesus on Earth, wherever I am, living with His spirit running through me. This could look like jumping on a plane and praying for the hundreds, or it could look like grabbing someone coffee and asking how they’re doing in the workplace. Don’t miss the opportunity to be a light, your mission is now. Go!

#relationshipgoals

Relationship goals is a phrase thrown about a lot on social media.

A picture of a girl and a guy working out together at a gym. #relationshipgoals

A picture of a guy leaving a note and a dress outside his girlfriends door and asking her to meet her at a restaurant at 8. #relationshipgoals

A well-took photo of a couple holding hands with sun setting behind them. #relationshipgoals

Anyone who follows me on social media may be thinking right now, “well she posts pictures of her boyfriend and her all the time”. And you’d be correct. I love loving him, I love going on adventures with him, and any adventure I go on will be posted.

Capturing these photos and posting them on social media in itself, I believe, there is nothing wrong with. They are cute, and show some of the best parts of a relationship, but that’s just it, they’re highlights.

The photos do not show the disagreements, the nights where you’re awake until 2am trying to sort an issue over FaceTime with a wifi connection that keeps lagging out. They do not show the irritation when trains are delayed, leaving you with less time to make memories when you didn’t have much time to begin with. They do not show the difficulty of time-difference, making you feel even more apart.

Many of us, including myself, have fallen victim to the joy stealer that is comparison. Comparison to the girl on Instagram who has the best contouring you’ve ever seen and you just will never get yours that good. Comparison to that girl on your course at school or university who seems to get all the answers right with minimal effort, whilst you’re breaking your back just to pass the class. Comparison to those couples who seem perfect. The couples who take the perfect photos and have the perfect dates and give the perfect gifts.

So what’s the problem with comparison? The more you compare yourself with others, the more you can forget your own purpose.

All the examples given are things that I, in the past, have felt about other people. I would believe that if I strived a little bit more, I could be as good or even better to the girl getting better grades than me. If I tried a little bit harder in my relationship then maybe we’d be as good as that couple I always see on Instagram. I’d completely missed the point. Effort and perseverance are two skills that I believe are essential in life. Putting effort into your course is essential, and persevering in relationships when the rose-tinted glasses seem to have fallen slightly is compulsory. But what’s the motivation? If the motivation to work on grades, a relationship, a friendship, a job, whatever it may be, is to be as good or better than someone else, then the motivation is off. The problem with comparison is that it begins to bore resentment.When we constantly compare ourselves to somebody, overtime we will begin to dislike the person we are comparing to. We will show unhealthy fruit, like jealousy and resentment, instead of appreciating the uniqueness we have all been given. We may begin to look at our relationship, and become angry or upset because we aren’t being given what other girls are being given, forgetting that we get enough, creating a spirit of unforgiveness.

Crazy isn’t it. How a small, quiet comparison in the stillness of your heart can develop into a trait that can be destructive to yourself and to other people around you.

I am thankful that I am surrounded by women and couples who speak life, who pray for our relationship, and are there to offer advice when we need it. I am thankful that instead of encouraging us to strive to be like other people, they fix our eyes towards our creator, and help to bring out the gifts and the uniqueness that we can give in our relationship.

You have a God-given purpose, that is unique from anyone else. Your relationship has a purpose, which will be different to that of the couples you are surrounded by. Comparison works by trying to steal our calling, His plan for us. Perhaps, if we learnt to live in our uniqueness, pursuing God’s heart for us, we could give up entertaining the thief of comparison, and live in celebration of the uniqueness in the people surrounding us.